Harry Potter and the Deathly Zombies
by Shave the Bumblebee
Summary: There is a difference between zombies and inferni, and in this story, Harry finds out. Goblins get high, owls get abused, and Harry and Dumbledore have a more than appropriate student- teacher relationship. Zombielord!harry HP/AD? Super Harry. Crack!fic
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"You. My lord. I bow to thee. How may I and our zombie army assist you?"

Harry, with a lecherous wink, said "Oh, I think you know."

Harry Potter sat up in bed, sweating. This was the creepiest dream he had ever had, and he'd seen Voldemort sitting on the toilet. There was only one person he could go to with his dream- Dumbledore. He quickly scrambled together some parchment and his quill.

My DEAR Albus,

Please forgive me for the information you are about to read, but you are the only one I trust to talk about my inner sexuality with. I've had some disturbing dreams involving zombies lately, and would like to know what information you could provide me with so that I can better understand the sexual feelings arising from my zombie dreams. Do you think the Gringotts goblins can help?

With much affection_,_ hugs, and kisses,

yours truly,

Harry Potter xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

P.S. I simply am counting down the days until I see your lovely beard once more. I love staring at it. It reminds me of good times past.

However, when you really think about it, your beard could use some work. Maybe some Neutrogena on the roots and Head & Shoulders (because with hair as long as yours, it goes everywhere) on the follicles, and then a heavy dosing of bleach on the locks. And speaking of your hygiene, your foot-warts could use a little sanding down. I recommend Deodlt's Finest Ripping Sand (from the fresh shores of the Dead Sea, no less!) for those toes. Aaayyyyy mis bocas.

I recommend Maybeline lip scratcher

any way i must go now bye bye mi senor favorita

P.P.S.

I hope you've noticed- I'm taking a _Spanish_ class at Pigfarts.

Harryput the quill down and strapped it to Hedwig's pressure point mistakenly taking it for a lump on which to hang letters on. She screeched in agony. Tired of her screeches, Harry threw her out the window.

"And don't ever come back; have your mate give me the letter from Elvis- oh I mean Albus." Harry said exitedly/angrily/emotionally/angstily/possibly happily?

Hedwig nodded, used to this type of abuse. After all, the Dursleys had abused Harry all the time. Why shouldn't he abuse his children? It was only fair.


	2. Chapter 2

After licking her wounds, Hedwig returned with a letter, a badge and a box of pineapples. Harry began reading-

Dear my favorite pupil (including Granger and that hot girl Chang)

Though I disagree with your perspective on my personal hygiene, I am glad that you told me of your dreams, and want to learn more. As Albert Einstein said," it's the details that count when describing your sexual encounters."

In addition, I must inform you that you are getting these dreams because you are the new Zombie lieutenant of the united kingdom. Your badge which I have enclosed in this letter shall let everyone know that you are the zombie lord. Your title will now be "lord lieutenant sheriff zombie human". But not to worry; I will always still refer to you as my dear little friend.

And yes, the Gringotts goblins can help. Bring them these pineapples laced with substances. Trust me, they will work- I have tried them before- the goblins know what they are.

I return your hugs and kisses from my mouth to yours and hope that you will finally realize your true potential as you embark on your quest to discover your true zombie inheritance and sexual identity/preference.

Love,

your very own Dumbly-Door.

P.S. Spanish is one of the many languages I am fluent in, and I would more than love to give you personal and very private instruction on many things including spanish. please letter me back as soon as possible; just imagining your voice brings smiles to my face.

Harry put the letter down and tried on the badge; he smiled in the mirror, noticing how it emphasized his bust. Maybe being zombie lieutenant would be good. After all, if Malfoy did anything like breathing he would have the whole zombie army to answer to. The only question now was how he would find his zombie army. If he had one at all. Or it was just another one of Dumbledore's schemes to control the world?

...

"Uncle Vernon!"

"What is it, girl?"

"I'm going out!"

"Whatever, chit."

Harry took his trunk and ran out, never to return. Hedwig limped behind him, blood spraying out from the injury that Harry didn't want to bind.

Harry stood outside, he reached out and the Knight Bus appeared in front of him unfortunately running over Hedwig in the process.

"Hedwig?" Harry called, "Uh, the stupid bird is always disappearing. Honestly Hedwig! You're really more work than it's worth. Why do I even bother!" Harry boarded the night bus tripping on the smushed but still alive Hedwig.

"Welcome aboard," came the raspy voice of Stan Shunpike. "Oh, sorry no pets allowed," He said as he spotted Hedwig limping towards the bus.

"Well, what if I strap her to the roof? Would that be okay?" asked Harry.

"Hmm, yeah sure why not, you can use these bungee straps." The driver held out a pair of orange and green bungee straps.

"Hey, thanks," came the British accented voice of Harry. Harry grabbed the straps and Hedwig as he climbed to the roof of the bus. Harry began strapping the bungee straps onto Hedwig.

"Uh, why are you so fat, Hedwig?" said Harry. Harry tugged the straps as hard as he could until Hedwig was tied tightly onto the bus almost too the point that she was not able to breath, but as least she was secure. Harry boarded the bus again, as he found a seat next to an old sleeping woman.

Harry decided that, in order to let go of his inner anger, he had to take it out on someone. The old woman next to him looked like a good target.

"HELLO, OLD COOT!"

The woman woke with a start.

"Yes little boy," she said in a creepy voice. Just then Harry noticed that she looked similar to many goblins he had seen.

Harry voiced his thoughts. "Are you a goblin?"

"Yes."

"But I thought there weren't any female goblins and you all reproduced asexually!"

"Oh, no, that's where we fool you. You see, all goblins are hermaphrodites! It's one of the cooler quirks of our species. I just choose to look more feminine. Most goblins choose to look masculine because of all the sexism in the wizarding world- they're terrified of being married off!"

Harry nodded seriously and respectfully. "Makes sense."

Stan called out "The Leaky Cauldron!"

Harry stood up. "Well, goodbye ma'am, er, sir, oh, fudge it, bye!"

Harry got off and hurried to Gringotts, eager to hear what the other goblins would say on his inheritance of a sexual zombie army. He must remember to give them the pineapples.

Hedwig followed with much difficulty, licking her multiple wounds.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry stood outside the huge doors of Gringotts, holding the pineapples in his hand. As he walked in, he could already see various goblins eyeing his package greedily.

He walked up to the desk of the head teller.

"Excuse me, can I have a private audience with the manager of the Potter estate?" The goblin leered at him and beckoned for him to follow. The goblin, Bloodaxe by the plaque on his desk, walked him to a private room.

"In here is Ragnok, who is the head of the Potter and Black estates, both of which you are lord."

Harry walked into the dark depressing room with a healthy glow to his face and a becoming swagger in his gait.

"I like what you've done with the place, Raggy! Raggy, is that all right if I call you that? You look like a Raggy to me. Not like a rag you clean with, more like Raggedy Ann. And I mean that in a good way."

Ragnok said, "No."

"Well then, Raggy, shall we get started? I have brought you a little treat from the likes of Dumbledore."

Harry gave the package to Raggy, who covetously gobbled it up.

Almost immediately, Harry began to see the affects.

Ragnok, with bloodshot eyes, said, "ey, whaddaya want?"

Harry replied, "just my zombie army and all the accounts of Gringotts. Oh, and my own personal Goblin slave."

Ragnok, ridiculously high, chortled with laughter. " Oh, of course, my boy. I'll even give you my wife. She's mighty good in the hamper. I should know, shouldn't I. I should! I'm her husband after all. Oh yes I am!"

He waved his hand and a contract appeared.

**I**_**, Ragnok, member of the council of riches**__, give Harry Potter the following:_  
_• One slave, specifically Towelnok, wife of Ragnok_  
_• Gringotts bank and all of its holdings _  
_• The zombie army_

_Sign here to recieve __

Harry signed the document with great glee on his face.

"Thank you Ragnok, may I have my debit card, slave, and zombie army?"

Ragnok snapped his fingers and a goblin and a debit card appeared.

"Here, your zombie army will be waiting for you outside of Potter Manor, which you can get to by saying 'Potter Manor presto!'"

"Awesome!" Harry took his new belongings and spoke the fatal words: "Potter Manor presto!"

Harry found himself spinning away in bliss, giving him his second ever orgasm (the first being the result of a zombie dream). Harry found himself making strange noises as he hurdled through a rather colorful tunnel of wonder.

Finally he was at Potter Manor. It was much gloomier than he imagined. Dead trees and old ratty weeds covered the estate. But Harry felt a home.

He pushed his way through fallen branches and overgrown grass as he entered into a sunbathed clearing. There stood a beautiful, maliciously sexual, attractively grey, lovely- looking, flea- bitten zombie army swarming somehow organized, despite the fact that they were swarming, in front of a huge and beautiful mansion. There were at least 100,000 zombies there, from what Harry could see. Harry felt himself being drawn in. Harry was suddenly immersed in an altogether new feeling of something he could not describe in words although his face seemed to give away everything. And what he gave away was a rather large amount of saliva and a pinkish glow chin on his cheeks which spread through the entire army.

Harry thought it was an appropriate time to make an inspirational speech, or so he thought. It went something like this:

" Fellow Zombies, I have a dream." Harry coughed as if to hide the fact that he had no idea what he was doing.

"Uh okay, Um that we will uh rise up and uh live out our true uh," Harry paused as he struggled to remember some very long speech he had learned in muggle elementary school.

"We will live out our true meaning of uh our.. our. I have a dream that little grey zombies will come together to kill little white wizards and little black wizards and, well, actually all races of wizards for that matter." Harry held his fist in the air just as someone might do if they had said something inspirational.

"You know if Dumbledore had told me I was going to have to do a speech I would have been more prepared, but no, god forbid he open up and tell me how he truly feels. I always share my true feelings with him and the second I ask him to open up he pulls back as if his feelings are too good for me. Every day I tell him how much I love him and all he does is brush it off like it means nothing..." Harry's "Inspirational Speech" continued on like this for many more hours until every one of his zombies was fast asleep on the floor.

Harry, triumphant in having asserted his control over the zombies, apparated away to the Daily Prophet headquarters.  
Rita Skeeter, who had recently been pronounced head of the paper, was a very helpful woman. Harry knew her animagus form, he knew of her love affair with Madam Pomfrey, and he was a celebrity. Harry also had the possibility of bribery: anyone who crossed him could be tempted with being given back their Gringotts account. Needless to say, Rita would agree to any bequest Harry could possibly make.

Harry entered the Daily Prophet headquarters. Wizards filled the busy halls along with the quiet chatter of gossip.

"Excuse me?" Harry yelled into the abyss of swarming wizards. A disgruntled wizard worker approached him.

" Uh yeah, the front desk is over there," The wizard pointed directly to the middle of the lobby where a very large and very obvious front desk stood with five ready wizards ready to help.

"Right, didn't see it there," Harry said knowing it was a lie, as the real reason he had shouted in to the halls was due to his underlying desire for attention. Harry shuffled over to the front desk.

"Daily Prophet Headquarters at your service," came the voice from the wizard at the far right.

"Uh, yes hi," Harry said, "See well I, you know, why don't I start at the beginning. I was -"

"Yeah here's the thing, I don't care, get to the point," The wizard said who only a second ago seemed warm and welcoming and oddly sexually drawing at least to Harry.

"Uh, I think you do want to hear my story," Harry flashed a picture of him intensely involved with Dumbledore, "wait, sorry, wrong picture." Harry searched through his grungy pockets pulling out crumbs, old chewed gum, a deck of cards, a dead lizard and finally the picture of his zombie army.

"You see now don't you!" Harry exclaimed.  
"A picture of sleeping ... sorry, what are those?" the wizard asked.

"They're zombies, god! Look it's the only picture I could get; give me a break!" Harry said, withholding tears.

"Next!"

"Ok, wait, I need to see Rita Skeeter." Harry said urgently.

"Fourth floor room 135, next!"

Harry walked on.

...

*Knock*

"Yes, yes? Who is it?" a screeching voice asked in a screeching manner.

Harry came in and flipped his hair. "Harry freakin' Potter; who did you think it was?"

Rita looked flustered. "Oh, HARRY, come in, come in, oh, sit down, sit down, here you go, do you want a mint? Oh- no? Well, alright then, tea- no? Scone? Biscuit? Veritaser- oh, no, sorry, alright. Ok, how can I help you?"

"I want to release a public statement, and I want you to do an article on the front page of the Prophet containing it. The headline will be, ' Do not cross HP or he'll set his sexual zombie army on ye.'"

"What- oh- never mind- of course, Potter."

"Ya see what I did there- it rhymes. Geddit? HP and sexual zombie army on ye?"

"Yes."

The situation started to get awkward, so Harry decided to hit the road.

"Bye."

"Bye."

He then called his new goblin slave (Towelnok) and she goblin- apparated them out of there.

_...Later, at Potter Manor_

"Towelnok?"

"Yes, Master Potter?"

"We really should get to know each other if you're gonna be my slave"

"Yes, Master Potter."

"So let's ask each other questions."

"Yes, Master Potter."

"Are all goblins really hermaphrodites?"

Towelnok started coughing loudly. Her voice went fierce. "How do you know that? That is the most guarded secret of the goblin race! If our enemies found out, we would lose the surprise of our surprise attack- that is- switching identities with our genders! If you expose this secret to _anyone_, we will cut off your-"

"Ey! I'm the boss here!"

"Yes, Master Potter."

"And I found out on the bus."

"Yes Master Pot-"

"So, do you and Raggy have any kids?"

"Yes, Master Potter."

"Alright, can you tell me who they are? "

"Yes, Master Potter."

"Goddammit, tell me about your kids!"

"Yes, Master Potter. We have three little sprouts. They are Dishragnok, the eldest, Sporknok, the only one who chooses to be feminine, and Potholdernok, the youngest. Potholdernok is just a baby."

"Fascinating. Now you have to ask me a question."

"Yes, Master Potter. What about your family?"

"Don't you have any knowledge of current events, or shall I say, current events when I was one?" Harry asked, just a tad irritated.

"No, Master Potter."

"Oh. Well, my parents were murdered back then-"

Towelnok made a sympathetic noise.

"Yeah- I know, sucks, right- but it's okay, because I'm pretty sure that there are a few of my illegitimate half- zombie kids running around, so I do have a family. Plus, you're my slave, so also your family is my family."

"Yes, Master Potter."

"It's my turn to ask a question. Uh... are you thinking of getting a divorce 'cause Ragnok sold you to slavery?"

"No, Master Potter."

"Ok, that's, well, weird, I mean, if Ragnok sold_ me_ into slavery I'd get a divorce."

"Alright, Master Potter."

"This is boring. Let's go see if we can find out where Voldemort is. We gotta get him if I am to be the uncontested ruler."

"Yes, Master Potter."

_Later... at Potter Manor, after no success..._

"Alright, how 'bout you try to get Voldemort's location. I need to update my friends on my new status and such."

"Yes, Master Potter."

"Take me to the Burrow and then come back here and research."

"Yes, Master Potter."

Harry was, for the first time in his stressful week, nervous. What if his friends couldn't accept him? What if they were jealous? Oh dear!


End file.
